Oh for fuck sake.

I hate my name.

Plz to not be calling me that.

New job~

I am an escort.

Without you, I can't live

Honestly... I'm like a zombie. Their is nothing.

I get up, get dressed, take my pills, have a fag, catch the bus, go to college, have a fag, come home, go online, go to bed.

I cut habitually now. I can't even feel it. It does nothing to me. Even drugs don't change me.

The only thing that is ever different...

The moments I hallucinate the bad things...

And the moments before I fall asleep, when I can feel Katty next to me. I smile.

But then I wake up, and I no longer feel.

Even writing has lost it's magic...

Hallucinations

Darling sister, please stop screaming.

It is making me sick.

I swear to God Leyla...

The people you have been with/liked recently(ish) (including me)

Fuuuucking hell, find someone good looking! You can do better!

FUCK

FUCK
FUCK
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I hate myself.

<3<3<3

Why haven't I talked to you recently?

FUCK YOU. I'M STRONGER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE.

You will not scare me. I'll scare you sooner.
You will not hurt me. I'll hurt you.
You will not make me cry. Maybe scream, in pleasure, benifits of being a masochist.
I will not feel guilt. For I am a tyrannical sadist.
I shall not fall. I'm watching your every move.
You shall not win. I will make you lose.
You shall not live. I will kill you.

Oh, thankyou

Laura Gibbon:

Just wondering if you were okay today in psychology? I thought I saw you crying?
Sorry I know you don't know me but I hate people being upset lol :)

I smiled.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Of course I still love you, Leyla. Probably always will.

And RE: me losing weight.

FOR FUCK SAKE, I HAVE TO.

See, I want to sing for a living. That's why I'm going to move to Japan, I love VK too much.

Now, see these people?







Do they look fat?

I think not.

They make it in music, so I have to be like them.

KTHNXBAI

You still make me cry...

I shouldn't still love you... damnit. Thank god I love Katty so much more, or i'd never get through it.

I'm giving myself until the new year to lose 3 stone. Then I need to keep myself at 5 stone from then on. It will be a challenge, but I have to do it. So around a UK size 6, US size 4. If i'm lucky, i might get down to a UK size 4, US size 2.

Good luck to me.

No more eating until next Thursday. I ate 6 onion rings on Tuesday.

I should be happy for you...

... But I can't help being jelous.

Why can't people care for me the way they care for you?

I'm rotting from the outside

I actually am... what the fuck is happening?

Before it was just sore, then i got spots all ove my legs...

Now all my skin is peeling off...

Memories...

Me: RIGHT HERE IT ISSSS

So, Kyo's hair from the live in Italy:



OMG STRAIGHTENEDDDDD

It's like going back in time, give it a month and we will have this:



Now, there are 3 possible reasons why Kyo straightened his hair. 1, he wanted to. 2, he is having a midlife crisis.



and 3, He is the Doctor's RL companion



Obviously, 3 is what I think is true. Now this is what I think happened. Kyo met Doctor, and went travelling to meet VK!Kyo











And now VK!Kyo is going to take over the world, but so no-one goes OMFG VK!KYO, he is only straightening the hair for now. dresses will come later.

Leyla: lmao. thats the most random thing ever
but his hair in the first one.... agghththhhrhhshaa

i bet shinya done it for him

Me: Oh yar.

Sluty VK!Kyo bribed him with sex

Nom: LOL

Char: His hair!
I loved VK Kyo! *is hoping they go back to that and start playing Yurameki at gigs again*


Me: Well, If VK!Kyo can pursuade the rest of them...

or he could go have sex with the Doctor again and swap present!Dir en grey for VK! Dir en grey

Uh...

"Ha you said... tis bad. btw hi **** :D"

Hello :D

I know you don't I? REVEAL YOURSELF!!!!

Oh deary me...

My mum and sister just found out I wrote porn...

Good god.

This is bad.

The NaNoWriMo Adventure

I have started a new blog, purely for recording my NaNoWriMo experiences. I'll start posting in it tomorrow.

Blog is here

For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. From November 1st until November 30th, thoousands of people all over the world will be franticly trying to reach the target of a 50,000 word novel. To put that in perspective, Twilight is around 25,000. That means 1,667 words a day.

Wish me luck.

Oh no...

SAW + J-rock videos + smut = BAD TIMES.

Hell yeah, I'm writing a SAW/J-rock crossover with added porn.

Who should be in it?

Updates on my escapades

So...

Friday:
Had my heart broken

Saturday:
Went to town
Withdrew £20
Bought a packet of paracetemol, stole another.
Bought pasta and diet coke.
Ate pasta.
Took paracetemol with diet coke.
Was taken to hospital.
Had BM measured, bled lots.
Drank charcoal.
Stabbed a fuck load.
Vommited.

Sunday:
Stabbed a fuck load.
Vommited.

Monday:
Stabbed a fuckload.

Tuesday:
Stabbed a fuckload.
Met with psychiotrist.
Blagged my way to freedom.
Went home.

I was stabbed with needles a total of 8 times. 4 were succesful. AND THE FUCKERS BLEW UP MY VEIN.

I'M NOT EVEN EXAGURATING.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Dear god...

I need to talk to Katty...

I love her.

<3

I just can't...

Fuck... I can't do this.

I fucked up... I'm sorry Katty...

I can't stand hurting you...

I'll miss you...

I love you xxx

God Dammit

I told Katty I am transgendered...

MSN conversation:

Izzy: .... do you want to know?
Katty: Tell me
Izzy: well.... umm.... in um.. secret.. well, im transgendered
Katty: Really?
Izzy: :# yes
Katty: That's crazy cool (L)(L)(L)
Izzy: ... really?
Katty: Yes
Izzy::D yey~ i was worried you would hate me
Katty: Me? Of all people..?
Izzy: well.... i was being paranoid...
Katty: True XD
Izzy: so... you don't mind?
Katty: No...I think it's really, really cool :P
Izzy: yey~ although, i tell you, binding is a bitch XD
Katty: XDD
Izzy: I can't tell you how much I love you right now
Katty: (L)(L)(L)

So yeah... It went well.

College today, start at 1.15. I can't be bothered... too tired.

Mum still won't shut up about the ring. She has been going on about it for months.

Diary of a mad woman

My mum yelled at me for making myself bleed... I can't take that sort of thing, I just can't. I went into the garden, to the bird table, and got some bird seed in my hand. I tempted an adorable small bird from the tree...

I grabbed the bird around the neck, and held it tightly. I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out my lighter... I burnt of it's feathers... then burnt it's feet and skin... It screamed so much...

Then I burnt it's eyes into mush. And I kept burning it until it stopped struggling.

My hands and arms were covered in blood when I went back inside. My mum thought I cut myself again.

<3

My dear... I love you.

I would leave my home for you, my friends and family... all for you.
I'd marry you, care for you, stay with you forever.
Live for you, die with you.

Fucking twat.

Liam, you bitch. FOR FUCK SAKE. STOP BEING LIKE THAT.
I'm going to hit you next time, I swear.

And when I see the people who have been spreading shit about Nom, heads will roll.

I am rediculously in love with Katty... I don't know why I let this happen... but, it is so worth it.
Holly fucking Jesus on a bicycle, I'm so happy.
Katty, I will see you soon. For your birthday. I promise.

And Jess, please, carry on being strong. You are doing so well, despite everything. I love you.

I'm such a whore

I had sex with a friend while high on weed, codine, heroin and ketamin.

Fuck.

I feel filthy.

Random musings....

I love Kattyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

College is awesome

I love Katty

Too much work to do

I love Katty

I need to get high

I love Katty

I feel so depressed

I love Katty

I also feel fucking horny

I love Katty

I'm way too obsessive

I love Katty

My poor dear...

I find it far too enjoyable when my muses suffer....

Fetishes

I was having a lovely conversation today with someone about fetishes. We each made a list... I'm gunna post mine.

Asphyxiophilia - sexual arousal caused by loss of control over ability to breathe. Self strangulation or allowing another person to asphyxiate oneself.

Autassassinophilia - sexually aroused by putting oneself in situations in which they may be killed. They really have to feel they are in danger in order to be sexually aroused.

Biastophilia - In this paraphilia the person is sexually aroused by the idea of being raped. This is scripted and planned out ahead of time with a partner. The person does not actually want to be raped by a strange.

Narratophilia - Telling dirty stories is sexually arousing.

Stigmatophilia - Body piercing and tattooing but not ear piercing is sexually arousing.

Agonophilia - Pseudo-rape, pretend struggle or wrestling play as a form of foreplay.

Algophilia - Enjoyment or arousal from pain.

Autagonistophilia - Arousal from being on stage, being in front of a camera or in the public eye.

Autogynephilia - Sexual excitement from cross dressing.

Automasochism - The act of inflicting pain or injuries on oneself as a way of causing sexual stimulation.

Merinthophilia - Arousal from being bound.

Munchausen's syndrome - Arousal from opening a wound.

Ochlophilia - Arousal from biting

Paraphilia - Arousal from acts that are generally considered unacceptable by the fetishist (themselves) or society.

Phlebotomy - Blood letting. Often practiced for sexual purposes by Vampyres.

Phobophilia - Arousal from fear

Rhabdophilia - Arousal from being flogged, beaten or caned.

Vampirism - The drinking of blood/fetishism for blood.

Vincilagnia - Arousal from bondage.

Anophelorastia - arousal from defiling or ravaging a partner

Asthenolagnia - arousal from weakness or being humiliated

Altocalciphilia - arousal from ones partner wearing high heels

Autassassinophilia - fantasizing about one's own masochistic death by murder

fuuuuuuck.

Dear Leyla...

Wake up. Don't you see what you are doing?

Stop fucking Sam around. She loves you, so love her back. Treat her right. Forget about everyone you fall in love with after 2 weeks, they don't need you. Sam needs you.

Get the fuck out of your house... please. Stop getting hurt. Just leave. I know it's worst case scenario but you could end up dead. I know because I was once like your brother. I almost killed my mum. So just leave.

Stop your drinking. Now. Before you end up addicted.

I think that is all for now...

Dear Sam...

Lack of being loved is reason enough to die, I understand that. It has almost finished me a few times...

I hope you listen to what I have to say... You probably won't, since you don't actually know me, but I still do care...

I know I hardly ever talk to you, but I still care... You are a lovely person...

I won't say you deserve better than Leyla, since you do love her, it would be a cruel thing to say, but she needs to treat you better. You deserve that much.

But if you kill yourself, you are taking away your chance to win her.

I've given up on her, but you need to fight for her.

And as stupid as it may sound, I am here for you. Just email me or something if you need anything.

The stagnant bubble bursts

There are some rules all people should follow... It makes us better people if we do.

Always say what you have to say, regardless of consequences. People need to hear you proint of view, everyone needs to be heard.

And tell the truth...

~

I got my lip pierced today. I want Katty here... to wipe the blood from it, and to chear me up. The only down side to that would be that I wouldn't be able to kiss her...

Did you know...

The average amount of times someone will fall in love in their lifetime is 3?

I am on number 2.

And I have no regrets about leaving number 1 behind. She was never worthy of me, but number 2 is.

I love number 2 more right now than I ever loved number 1.

It scares me a little...

...

paedophilia=/=mucking about with mates.

FYI.

I'm fucking losing it

Fuck...

Too much right now...

Still, I'd rather be a druggie than a filthy fucking skank.

You fuck everyone around.

So I don't want to bother anymore.
I was going to give it a while, and try to get you back.
But now I don't fucking want to.

You are an insensitive bitch.
You don't know what love is.
Every time you say you love someone, you are lying.
You don't have enough of a heart to love.

And this isn't just between us.
You do it to others too.
All you want is a bit of fun.
Stop fucking pretending you care.

I have kept loving you.
But as I have been writing this...

I think my love for you might have died.

DAMN YOU BRAIN

Why do you make so many people attractive?

I have very strong feelings for 3 people, in love with one.

WTF?

Love, Hate

So, some other people did it, thought I might too.

Leyla
Love: Everything about you
Hate: You not being with me

Jess
Love: How you care for me
Hate: How unhappy you are

Katty
Love: Everything about you :3 You are such a darling
Hate: How you can't see the good in yourself

More later. I'm lazy.

I'm sorry

Jess and Leyla, I'm sorry. I don't know what the fuck I'm thinking right now. Nothing in my head makes sense any more. I'm sorry.

I'll promise that I will stay alive as long as I can. I'll try.

I love you two. Alot.

Talk to me on msn, please?

Good Times

So, more upbeat blog now.

~: Several people want me. That makes me happy.

~: Kat and Steph are awesome, and hot. I have a bit of an internet girl-crush on the both of them. Damnit. But seriously, those girls are fucking sexy. Why must I do this. But like I said, dayum. Hotness and niceness XD But mostly Kat. Hot and amazing and nice and wonderful and beautiful and... I'll shut up now.

~: Still not over Leyla. Will I ever be? Though drugs are helping.

~: I noticed that people I see IRL I don't mention by name in my blogs.

~: RP is fucking sexy.

~: WWI was filthy. Hair combings and hair pins in greasy gravy? I actually vommited while reading that.

~: CGL is going well. Designs have been started. I need an idea for the name of CGL. So far we have CGL, which stands for "Cyber Goth Loli" and "Candy-Go-Go-Lolly-Pop-Yum". Ideas will be apreciated.

It's a trap

So, I shall be doing a little ranting in this post. It might get long.

First: Sexism

~: FUCKING STOP IT PEOPLE. In my english language class, we were learning about differences in how sexs speak and are portrayed. For the most part it was in good humour, which I didn't mind. I will admit to being sexis, racist and homophobic in jest, but I don't honestly mean in. But after a while it just got damn offensive. And some people seemed to think boys HAVE to act like boys, and girls HAVE to act like girls. God forbid someone doesn't act like or identify as their cis gender, aswel. Go eat your fucking stereotypes, I'm going to sit here, play games, watch porn and drink some beer.

~: How come guys can do everything and be cool, yet it is the other way around for girls? I admit, I have been acting... inapropriately towards a guy who is taken. So then, I am branded a whore, a slut, a sket. My behaviour is appaling. And for acting in the same way, he is... well, none of the above. Hypocrisy much? Stupid people.

Second: Drugs

~: If I want to smoke, I will. If I want to take drugs, I will. It doesn't make me a bad person, it won't even change me. Simply because all the time you have known me, i've been on drugs. You only found out recently, but it has been going on for 6 years now. Sorry to dissapoint you.

Third: Eating

~: I'm not eating. Get the fuck over it.

Fourth: Mental health

~: I am losing it. I am becoming crazy and suicidal, and I know I won't survive this time. I don't have long left. But seriously, stop fucking worrying about it. I'm not worried.

Fifth: College

~: I'll finish college before I kill myself. Don't worry your pretty little heads. Also, college is too stressful. HATE.

"You better do a good job lubing me with that pretty mouth of yours..."

"... or else it might be a bit too rough for you fragile looking body to handle."

I got my first Mana-muse today, he has already had a little fun with Kisaki. It seems as innocent as Mana likes to portray himself, he can't resist temptation.

Again, I am far too adicted to RP.

I'm addicted to my fantasy worlds. Pretending I am not who I really am.

That is why I love college so much, It's another fanatasy world, where I can be who I want to be.

Will you all just STFU.

Char, Leyla, stop it.

YOU ARE NOT FAT.

FFS.

I swear to god, I will hunt you both down and knock your heads together.

On another note

Akui, my dear.

I love you :D

You are brilliant. Seriously.

*hugs the amazingly cool ostritch*

Confession time

I am a heroin addict.

I am suicidal.

... fuck.

24

Hmm... Today is the first day in years that I have listened to Jem. She has a lovely voice...

Tomorrow I start college. It is terryfying. I am almost petryfied by fear. All the people, the new start. I won't know what to do...

Akui and Jess are back, I have missed them both so much. I'd go crazy without them.

And finally, I might be going away soon...

... Don't let them take me.

You aren't worth my fucking time.

I am sure you are all familliar with that saying, "Their is a fine line between love and hate." And maybe some of you will know that House once said "No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate."

I have learned that neither is right.

Love and hate are the same.

I am in love, and I hate her. I love her enough to want her back, and hate her enough to break her neck.

Whore

You aren't sorry, you don't love me.

So fuck off.

Go drink yourself to death, get yourself raped and pregnant.

I don't care anymore.

Fucking Fuckity Fuck

Why can't she consider my feelings?

Has she no fucking self control?

Fuck.

Jasmine You's last days.

July ~ Jasmine You begins to feel ill.

2st of August ~ Jasmine You is hospitalized, and suspends all activities. The haitus is planned for around 3 weeks.

Between 2nd-6th ~ Jasmine You realises he isn't going to survive, and begins mailing people, acting as if all is ok.

Between 6th-8th ~ Jamine You becomes so ill he can't walk. He wishes to see the night sky of Yokohama, so his family drive him their. Unfortunately, he was too ill to leave the car.

The morning of the 9th of July ~ Jasmine You passed away.

Jasmine You listened to "HIZAKI grace project" endlessly before he died, and was cremated in an outfit he wore in "HIZAKI grace project". The funeral was held on the 12th of August.

Heteroandrophobia

You don't stand a chance, honey.

~

While reading some blog posts by Jasmine You's friends, I found this, posted by You of Matenrou Opera.

"If any of Jasmine's fans are reading my blog right now, I have one request.
Please don't hurt yourselves.
Promise me that.
I think that it will take quite some time for everyone to be able to accept what happened.
I feel the exact same way.
Even if it takes a long time, please move forward and live life to its fullest.
I beg of you.
Those sad tears are your tenderness.
It'll be all right. You're moving forward and living.
The notes that Jasmine played will remain forever.
Although you may find yourself feeling sad whenever you listen to Versailles' songs, please take good care of the evidence of Jasmine's existence."

I'm sorry, You.

http://revenantchoir.net/othersmsg.html

Every single one of these messages made me cry. I even have respect for kisaki now.

Rest peacefully our beautiful decendant of the rose.

...

I never thought having your heart broken would physically hurt.

I'm so strong

A while ago, I promised myself that if I were to break up with anyone, I would be strong. I would be like Skin.

"Weak as I am, no tears for you."

"I would rather spend my time
Alone in my room
Than spend it with you"

"I won't be lost without you
I've found a way to get through
Now i'm up and running, strong enough to walk away,
And leave you alone, I won't be lost"

"Now I know I have to live without you
I can only bend so far
Guess it's time to make some moves
Without you"

I failed.

I don't think you quite understand...

... How much I love you; how much I've cried; how much you hurt me.

I've let you walk all over me, because I love you. My pride, my dignity is in shreds because of you. And you know, that wouldn't matter if you would just forgive me.

Just have me back... how long must I wait?

I won't even ask for an apology.

But I can't wait forever.

It's my life, I guess.

Someone once said to me;

"You have a choice.
Follow your dream,
Or your heart.
Anyone else can have both,
But you can't.
Not with your dream.
Or you will hurt everyone."

So what do I pick? Do I have to chose now? Or can it wait?

Can I avoid it forever?

Leyla

This was supposeed to be a happy entry.

I'm still in love with you.

It happens today

Wish me luck.

Just a little better

I thought things were going to stay bad...
Jasmine You's death, relapsing, the temptation of heroin...
Almost being kicked out of my home...

But then I saw a friend's blog...
And realised how much I am cared for...



2 days until I see Leyla.
I cannot wait.

Jasmine You

I didn't think it would affect me this badly...

Rest in peace, my dear.

Final

You are perfect.
You are mine.

愛してるわ
(Ai shiteru wa)

Lucian

I'm in love with him <3Not actualy in love... but whatever. He is one of the elite four, and I admit, I fangirl over him. Him and Cynthia are pretty much my Pokemon OTP. And in my mind Cynthia is MTF... I think i've pretty much screwed up the Pokemon universe in my head.


For a start, wipe out some of those Pokemon.



Pokemon to kill list:

(I am a bit of a purist when it comes to Pokemon, so the first 150 live by default. Even if some are epically crap.)

167: Spinarak
168: Ariados
(Spiders should DIAF)

201: Unknown
(Because seriously... WTF?)

204: Pineco
(It's a pinecone!!!)

233: Porygon2
(Do we realy need another one? The first was bad enough...)

299: Nosepass
(It's a nose... ><) 320: Wailmer
321: Wailord
(Lovechilds of a whale and a blimp... Do we realy need it?)

339: Barboach
(... eh?)

368: Gorebyss
(What is that?)

369: Relicanth
(Eww!)

370: Luvdisc
(ROFLMAO FFS it's a heart O.o)

412: Burmy
413: Wormadam
(What is it?)

425: Drifloon
426: Drifblim
(Baloons! Seriously!)

474: Porygon Z
(MAKE IT STOP!!!)

476: Probopass
(Do I need to say anything?)

Nuclear warheads at the ready!



But remember...







It is true love!

Today

I don't even know what to write today... maybe tell you what I am doing?

Smoking. Richmond menthol, king size. 6th from a 10 pack, bought yesterday at around 2pm for £2.50 at the magazine stand outside the market hall in Derby city centre. So if you are underage, go there. The guy doesn't check for I.D.

I played pokemon, fire red version for 4 hours 13 minutes, I caught 16 pokemon and leveled each of them up to level 20. I also got 2 gym badges.

I ate a hot cross bun, drank some peach fizzy water and took 30 mg of cipramil (citalopram).

How was your day?

Lurking

I only saw the razor, and shook.
Shakey shakey.
My cuts itched, my fingers twitched.
But I didn't do it. I'm proud of myself. Twice in one day would be a little extreme.

Also, you. Fucking lurkers.
Stop lurking. I know how many people come here, now show me some love.
Or hate. I don't care, just stop lurking. It's creepy.
I'd like to be able to talk to you. Even if it turns into a flame war, it gives me something to do.

Tongue

私は死んだ。
(Watashi wa shinda)

Und gehaftet zwischen welten

Mi lengua muerta lo gris

And makes me scream.

Jasmine

I'm sorry for two entries in one day, but I need to let this out.

I recently heard that Jasmine You of Versailles has been hospitalised and has suspended all musical activities. I spent so long crying, I am so worried for him. As no news of his condition has been released, I am fearing the worst. I have one friend who is taking it worse than me... I worry for her, I hope she can cope.

Jasmine, please, please get better.

Also, I have yet another new muse. Hyde on Yasu Lake. He is a homicidal necrophiliac and a rapist. How lovely. And I have been told my addiction to RP has become unhealthy and is getting in the way of my life.

Fuck it, I will do what I want.

Petals

Arms and legs, cut and scratched into shreds,
Veins lying on the gravel, minced muscle and skin.

Choked on blood and plegm,
Lungs full of the vile mix,
Spilling from frozen lips down the contours af a marble face.

Throat crushed by ribbons,
Glass eyes smashed and leaking.

And the bloodied petals.

Crushed in her hand.

Bloody Handprints

FUCK YOU

Blood

It's all I see right now. Blood.

I can hear screaming. Why won't she shut the fuck up? No-one wants to hear her, why doesn't she just get that? Her voice is annoying.

I've had enough of her.

Even her bones are annoying, getting between my knife and her organs. And she is screaming louder now!

SHUT UP! I SAID SHUT UP! And stop crying, it makes you look ugly.

This is taking too long. She won't listen. At least she has stopped crying now. I knew hammering her eyes with the blunt end of my knife was a good idea. Maybe I can stop her screaming?

There, that worked. You should see her, her mouth filled with mashed tounge and eyes. It's rather beautiful.


Oh... she stopped moving. I think she is dead. Shit, how did that happen?

Rollercoaster

I have had one hell of a day. First, panicking due to my girlfriend going to a gig. She is going with a guy who "loves" her. I don't know why she isn't more worried, I mean, he is a guy! I don't think she quite understands how dangerous guys are, especially ones that "care" about you. They are always the most dangerous...

After that, I cheered up considerably. Miyavi and Melody's baby was born! I went oddly hyper... I'm not sure what was up with me, really. Maybe the fumes from the paint I had been using to decorate my room where getting to me?

Then the news of Erina leaving Dio ~Distraught Overlord~ this coming September, on the 25th. The band shall also be going on an indefinite hiatus. I cried for two hours. I truly am pathetic.

My neighbours then accused me of incest. Where are the knives? I'm going to solve the immigration problem.

But I suppose the drug raid on my street made it all better again...

And to update you on my RP obsession, I have a new muse, Leda. He is a whore on Scattered feathers. And I love him already.

Fluid

I realised something today, something I have been wondering about for years.

I am genderqueer.

There. I said it. It's strange... It is harder to confess to this than my self-harming or my sexuality. I am a little nervous, I don't know how my girlfriend and family will react. I don't even know if I can tell them. All I know is that they won't understand.

On another note... role play has been taking over my life. Losing myself in my muses and livesrelationships is somewhat therapeutic. Or at the very least allows me to forget myself for a while. They aren't even the most stable or pleasant of muses. One, called Shinya, is a slut. He is obsessed with demons and his demonic lover, and has started to enjoy his job, which is murdering people who are diseased. He also corrupts one or two angels, and actually rapes one of them with the help of his demonic lover.

Another, also named Shinya, is a fucked up little kid in a special school for fucked up, unwanted kids. He is suicidal, depressed, a self harmer, dabbles in occasional drug use, violent and a sex addict. He is doing his best to seduce his room mate, and is pretty much abused by his councillor.

The next I will tell you about is my bulimic pet, Hyde. He attends the same school as Shinya, and has a chronic phobia of sex. Along with all of his health problems... he isn't the best muse one could wish for.

Last is Skin, the music teacher. She is a bitch, a lesbian and doesn't give a shit. Seriously, she is a fucking nightmare.

Maybe soon, I will have another muse. I want SiSen. I think he will go to the school Shinya and Hyde attend. Once I work out a back story...

Last thing for this entry... I hurt someone tonight. Badly.

I haven't felt so alive in a long time.

Needles and Oranges

I hear footsteps on carpet and floorboards creek, and the tears I still weep.

Long after I am dead and rotten and dust, I still weep.

Strawberries and Cream

It is a seed that spills
In beautiful colours.
Red and white,
Strawberries and cream.

Both in me,
Leaving me,
Draining me,
Killing me.
Leaking from glass eyes,
Cracked by his steal.
Crystals mix with
Strawberries and cream.

Then broken.
Cracked.
Splintered.
Grazed.
Tarnished.
Scarred.

Onwards in the dark,
I wear my crystals with pride,
And eat my strawberries.
I can still taste the cream.
It makes me sick.
Tastes like cream,
Tears me.
Filling me.
Tastes so bitter...
Strawberries... cream

Cirqué Du Freak

Welcome to my home. Stay as long as you like, if you would like. Here I shall post my thoughts, opinions and ramblings for you all to read, admire and despise. You are welcome to comment, no matter who you are. It doesn't matter if you agree with me, or want to prove me wrong, I would love to speak to you.

My name is saku FILTH. PORNO type FILTH is my music project, that I hope one day shall become a band. I sing and write poetry and lyrics, and play a little piano. I won't pretend I have anything more than basic musical ability, if that. Though with my lyrics and singing, I am very passionate. I suppose it more than compensates. I do other things as well, but that isn't relevant here. Though I shall post a few links, just in case anyone is interested.

My musical style is loud, ambiguous, poetic, melodic and scary, with a little bluesy bass thrown in for good measure. My visual style, onstage at least, is a mix of angura-kei,visual-kei, punk, goth and gothic lolita. It really varies depending on my mood. Offstage, I would appear "grebbish" or "emo".